you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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