so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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