She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
