I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
