I think I died a long time ago.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
These tits shall not be calmed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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