My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
