What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
