he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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