If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
