the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
