dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
