I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize