i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
