So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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