Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
