dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
