I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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