I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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