I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
