I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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