So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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