i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
