i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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