shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
