He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
