I intend to get homeless drunk
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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