im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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