I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize