So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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