My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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