woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
