You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She bit a glass in half.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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