I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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