God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize