it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
