I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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