I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
