plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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