I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
