you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
