I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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