if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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