This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
