I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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