i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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