I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize