im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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