Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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