Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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