we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
