I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
