I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
