I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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