I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
