I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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