i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Operation Purity has been aborted
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
