Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
