This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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