nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
