In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
