I faked an abortion last night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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