Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize