so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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