We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
